Unstoppable friendliness
notes from a nine day metta retreat
I recently had the joy of attending a beautiful metta retreat at Spirit Rock.
Metta is a meditation practice different from breathwork/concentration practice (samadhi) or insight meditation (vipassana).
Metta means lovingkindness. The best way I can define it is that it’s a system to reprogram your mind into experiencing more joy, gratitude, safety, and love for both yourself and others.
The way it works is simply by repeating a set of phrases in your head, either while sitting or walking. The phrases are all positive wishes: may you be happy, may you be safe, may you be at ease, may you be healthy, may you be free from suffering, may you be loved, etc. The object of them shifts throughout a practice session, usually starting with the easiest person for you to do this for (often a parent or mentor or early caretaker), and then moving to yourself and further outwards to other friends, family, loved ones, neutral beings, difficult beings, and then all beings.
The retreat itself was very special. On the first day we turned in our devices (they went in a safe in the office “for a retreat of their own”). I woke up every day with the sunrise and walked out to meditate or get breakfast without any of the normal encumbrances like my wallet or keys or phone or watch. The meals were delicious and healthy and cooked by an awesome staff. We had six or seven amazing teachers who led the meditations and gave dharma talks every day and who we could also talk to for personal instruction. If you needed a break from meditation there were miles of beautiful trails with outdoor meditation spots all around the center. It was so nice how everything was taken care of and all you had to do was show up and meditate and exist.
It was a life-changing experience.
Below are some of my (unstructured!) notes.
One of the teacher’s favorite definitions of metta: unstoppable friendliness towards yourself and all beings.
Advice for walking metta meditation: walk as if in your body, not with your destination in mind.
Chanting is a form of somatic therapy via vagus nerve stimulation? (Like humming?) Do more.
A metta poem, shared by one of our teachers.
One of the best parts of the retreat was the environment:
surrounded by beautiful nature
barely seen cues at the retreat center lead to a palpable sense of safety
there was a luxurious amount of meal time, when was the last time I spent 45 minutes on a normal meal and nothing else?
no devices, waking up with the sunrise and getting a good dose of sunshine, healthy vegetarian meals that were tasty but easy to not overeat (I also had no sweets or caffeine the whole time either, although there was some if you wanted, it felt easy to ignore)
Everyone had a work meditation they had to perform each day. Mine was washing the dishes after lunch. Every day at 1 PM I’d show up in the back of the kitchen with two other retreatants who I’d never spoken to and silently wash dishes for 45 minutes. Afterwards I’d sit on the porch bench outside the kitchen and drink peppermint tea in the sunshine and meditate. It felt funny to start “work” every day at 1 and be done by 1:45.
Buddha said to attune your efforts like an instrument: not too loose, not too tight.
One of the goals of metta is to realize that when directing it to I, you, others, all, all of those are the same.
Forcing metta feels hard and boring. Try steadying your attention on phrases and let it come in on its own. It’s about accessing something that already exists.
Sincerity is key. Be ardent and earnest, even if there is doubt. Just keep planting the seeds.
Metta can be everything from non-aversion, to kindness, to fireworks of love.
Why metta is good: what you think, you become. Everyone is planting seeds for their future self every moment. What do you want to plant in this moment?
It’s a universal truth that everyone is always cultivating something, decide what you want to cultivate.
Transference: if a random stranger or even an enemy can deserve your metta, so do you.
This was one of the things I found most powerful. It’s often hard to give myself self-love because I don’t “deserve” it. But I found it obviously good and easy to give to everyone from loved ones to complete strangers. Of course they should be loved and safe and happy! Of course it’s not something they need to “earn” it should be unconditional, and if it were truly so the world would undeniably be a better place.
From there it was a very short step towards seeing if that was true for others then it was probably true for me as well. Especially after I’d spent so much cushion time and intention sending it to others.
When doing metta go in the easiest order, often: easy being (or benefactor), self, friend, family, neutral being, difficult being, all beings.
When beginning metta, it's best to just stick with one person for each category instead of skipping around.
Partners can be tricky to start with because there can be a lot of weeds there. Start with the least complicated relationships.
Metta is a way to practice the opposite of our habitual judgment mind.
In the past when I’ve thought about morals, or self-love, or forgiveness I’ve often had more of a categorical imperative view: these things need to be earned or else everything breaks down. On retreat this flipped, obviously love and safety and peace and health and ease would be good for everyone in the world, and people can deserve this without “earning” it.
Part of my resistance on the retreat to sending (and receiving) metta in the beginning was a puritanical part of myself that was unsure if the world would actually be a better place if our wishes for all beings and ourselves came true.
Humans are a garden, you are always cultivating something. What are you cultivating right now?
Metta is a way to plant a different kind of seed. To re-write our thought patterns and our habitual reactions to our thoughts and to other people.
Meditation retreats are secretly the world’s best elimination diet programs. Most Westerners have probably never gone 10 days on a completely clean diet.
Metta forgiveness meditation:
For all the ways I have knowingly or unknowingly caused you harm. I ask for your forgiveness. May I be forgiven.
For all the ways you have knowingly or unknowingly caused me harm. I offer you forgiveness. I orient my heart towards forgiveness. I commit to forgiving you. May you be forgiven.
For all the ways I have knowingly or unknowingly caused myself harm. I offer myself forgiveness. I orient my heart towards forgiveness. I commit to forgiving myself. May I be forgiven.
Metta doesn’t actually directly affect others, so you don’t need to worry about if the people you direct it towards fully deserve it (a common hindrance). Think of it more as just training for your own mind.
When distraction patterns come up in metta just treat them with kindness and compassion.
Happiness is just the absence of mental patterns that turn you off + conditions for contentment and gratitude: it’s a nice day, I ate a good meal, I have an amazing partner, my work is going well, etc.
Do you view the world more as a playground or jailyard?
Metta can shift into mudita (compassionate joy): I’m happy that you’re happy.
When the mind becomes steady and safe on retreat things can come up that feel more disruptive. This is normal. It’s not about you. This is your body finally having a chance to let go of old wounds.
When you feel super distracted, down, etc on retreat that might just be a purification process. Let it pass with metta or equanimity.
Showing up and doing the work even with many distractions is practicing well. It can help to re-frame distractions, doubt, etc as actually just part of a purification process that is arising from retreat.
Even if it feels like you are making no progress during these periods, you are.
Relatedly: when you feel distractions, doubt, aversion, or other uncomfortable feelings arise when doing metta instead of being discouraged, try reframing them as a part of yourself raising its hand and saying “hi, I’d like some healing please”, and share the metta accordingly.
Equanimity is a state of no reactivity but deep curiosity about the truth. A neutral person or natural ecosystem can be a good place to start for equanimity metta training.
Equanimity can be a resonating joy as well, that things are just good.
The number one benefit of metta (according to one of our teachers): you will sleep well.
(I got what were probably the nine best nights of sleep of my life on this retreat, although probably at least 30% of that was quitting caffeine cold turkey on day 1, which I don’t 100% recommend.)
Often the work of retreat will only be obvious after. Do the work, trust that it is doing something. As you progress the metta afterglow and spontaneous metta towards others can become more common.
One measure of progress is that the mind starts to go into metta phrases more naturally. It can take a month or so for this to happen.
At its root metta is simply a tool to rewire our brains to be more full of love and less full of judgment.
The phrases I used for most of the retreat were: may you be happy, may you be safe, may you be loved. As they became more natural they started taking on an almost psychedelic quality in my mind where the repetition of each phrase would be accompanied by warm and intense mental imagery and sound, that was shooting towards the object of metta and bathing them in its essence.
May your heart be bursting with the music of joy, may you be so loved that all beings feel like your best friend, may you be completely unharmable and indestructible.
This beautiful reminder about “secret work being done inside us” kept coming for me on retreat:
I mean I always think that that’s the secret of change — that there are huge gestations and fermentations going on in us that we are not even aware of. And then, sometimes, when we come to a threshold, crossing over, which we need to become different, that we’ll be able to be different, because secret work has been done in us, of which we’ve had no inkling.
–John O'Donohue, The Inner Landscape of Beauty
One of the most interesting takeaways for me was the difference between using metta to relate arisings versus using vipassana/equanimity. In the latter you simply practice accepting what is. You teach yourself how all emotions are transient. How to look at them and accept them and let them flow through you without clinging. But you don’t really interact with them.
In contrast metta is much warmer and feels more healing. And can deal with root issues in a different way I think. When I was using metta to sit with arisings the natural way to interact with them felt like tenderness and compassion and self-love. Instead of the somewhat sterile feeling of just letting things go, metta felt more oriented towards finding and healing the wound that led to the arisings in the first place.
I think metta is probably a better tool for healing trauma (although equanimity certainly helps to calm the ship).
Any time thought comes up when doing metta: this is none of my business.
May I love myself in this moment, just as I am.
Rob Burbea: "When I give lovingkindness to others, it cannot help but bathe me."
In my day job I do a lot of selling—to investors, recruits, and to our team for continued buy-in to our vision. Sometimes these can be challenging, especially around fundraising where even being highly competent here can mean a 95+% rejection rate. Over time, this can lead to a buildup of resentment and other things. I wonder how this dynamic could change if I spent more time sending these people metta.
The proximate cause for metta to arise is seeing the goodness of all beings.
All beings everywhere want safety and ease and happiness.
Metta phrases can be a vipassana (insight meditation) anchor, just like breath, body scans, etc.
Metta is so powerful because it lets us rewire our thought patterns and orientations towards others. And other people can sense when we authentically wish them well, it feels like warmth and good vibes and positive energy.
It can be good to try to get out of distracted/sleepy/etc states, but it can also be good practice to try to work from within them.
Jhana factors:
one-pointedness: do one thing at a time
welcoming and inviting simple contentment
aiming and sustaining attention: these respond to will and effort
“I’m going to dedicate these whole 15 minutes to bringing up this person and holding them in my heart’s attention”
curiosity, awe and beauty towards the object of your attention
start with simplicity and contentment as a base then focus it with the dedication of aiming and sustaining
On the last day we took a vow to let go of judging and comparing mind for at least a week.
Focusing on the purity and benevolence of your intentions in metta can help you get deeper, probably because it distracts from grasping mind (your mind only has a finite set of resources and it’s possible to redirect them more skillfully than you usually do).
Metta feels to me almost like it gives a sense of karmic security that I was lacking before. By putting so much goodwill and effort towards the well-being of others, both in the meditation, and in the eventual positive actions sustained metta meditation inevitably leads towards, it felt like I was filling up my tank with goodwill from the universe.
Post-retreat, one of the very best things has been to watch as my mind spontaneously bursts into metta (both the phrases and just a feeling of goodwill) towards strangers, waiters at restaurants, the homeless, friends, loved ones, co-workers, and even myself.
What a beautiful practice and blessing.
May you be happy.
May you be safe.
May you be loved.
